Do you remember your first heartbreak? A puppy love perhaps. The time when your darling with those big brown eyes ignored your glances? Or when your mutual affection became muted? It was just a crush then but it already broke your young heart. Just imagine the pain of losing someone you really loved. After all the years, time, affection, kisses and commitment, how will you move on?
The Aftermath of a Farewell
When it’s all over, there is a numbing sensation at first. You feel every part of you ache even though your body is perfectly fine. Much like Son Goku’s quest for the Dragon Balls, you gather the pieces together, and then summon whoever you believe can grant you a wish. A wish that the breakup is just a dream. A wish that everything will go back to the way things were.
But don’t worry too much. You may think you’re broken. But your heart is a strong muscle; it keeps on pumping blood. So should you. Just so you know, while you’re wallowing in misery and self-pity, another self-help book sells, another heartbreak song tops the chart and another tearjerker movie breaks box office records. While they seem to benefit, people like you remain standing on the same ground. (Cue Kitchie Nadal)
But you can help yourself.
Mind Your Mindsets
Heartbreak comes in all forms. It can spring from a breakup, a case of unrequited love, or an inability to love. In order to find a remedy, you have to determine the cause first. Here’s where it gets messy. Broken hearted people have a tendency to do the following:
- blaming the ex or a third party
- overthinking things they did or failed to do
Here’s another bitter pill: it’s over. There’s no point in fault finding or self-punishment. Remember, it was a shared responsibility. While you had a part in the situation, whatever the other person did is something you can’t control. Overcome the situation by focusing on what you can control: yourself. Here are some mindsets to avoid.
Mindset 1: Chasing Pavements (Adele) / Making Love Out of Nothing at all (Air Supply)
“Should I give up…?”
Stop asking yourself this if the relationship is already over. It may be a badge of honor that you were the one who did not give up. It’s human to try and make it work. But it also takes courage to admit you’ve been investing in something that’s no longer there.
“But I don’t know how to leave you
And I’ll never let you fall
And I don’t know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all”
If your relationship means nothing to your ex, why should you fight for it? If it’s already bad as it is, then it will only become worse if you don’t cut your losses. Maybe you don’t need to move mountains to be happy, maybe you just need to move on.
Mindset 2: I Can’t Live (Mariah Carey)
“…if living is without you.”
It’s normal to long for a relationship. Humans are social creatures. In ancient times, people needed to belong in tribes for survival. However, don’t stay in a harmful relationship just because you are afraid to be alone.
The more time you give to the wrong person, the less you spend with a better love you’ve never met yet. Stop moping. You can live without that douche bag.
Mindset 3: Best I’ve Ever Had (Vertical Horizon)
“You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had”
He or she may be the sweetest person on earth for pulling off that Valentine surprise. But do you remember how your ex disappeared for weeks and ended up lying to you when confronted?
We usually gloss over the happy moments when they’re gone. Granted, that person should be somewhere in the end credits of your biography movie for making you happy once. But there’s a reason it didn’t work out.
When you’re highlighting the highs and downplaying the lows of your previous relationship, remember the freedom you have now. Your ex may be the best you’ve ever had. But the future is brighter.
Mindset 4: I’m All About You (Aaron Carter)
“…I’m all about us”
Words of wisdom from Aaron Carter! If you’ve been listening to this song to mourn your breakup, you really need to get your act together.
You may feel empty after you parted ways, especially if you keep doing the things you do together, by yourself. In the first place, why should you continue doing these things? Tap the breaks on this mindset. You’re in a journey. Your ex was just a stopover. For once, let your life be all about you.
Mindset 5: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved (The Script)
“I’m not moving”
Take it from Sir Isaac Newton’s Law of Inertia. You will remain stuck in place unless you introduce an external force: a hobby or a simple realization possibly. Be busy. Keep moving (on).
Minsdet 6: Always Something There to Remind Me (Naked Eyes)
“I walk along the city streets, you used to walk along with me”
It’s difficult to forget someone. This is the White Bear Effect. The more you try not to think of a white bear, the more it pops in your thoughts. When you consciously try to forget a person, your mind ends up recalling your memories all the more. Don’t force it if you can’t move on yet. Take your time. No rush.
Some people think moving on is forgetting someone. That’s when it becomes counter-productive. Unless you have a memory eraser,
The truth is you’ll never know when you’ve really moved on. If you allowed the healing process to take its natural course, your mind and heart will lose track of such painful things. One day you’ll remember your ex. Then you’ll realize you’re not harboring any negative feelings anymore and you’ll even ask yourself why you devoted all that time in despair for him or her. You’ll even sincerely wish that he or she is doing well in life.
By then, it’s safe to say you’ve mastered this art.
[Entry 71, The SubSelfie Blog]
Writing can be therapeutic. My pen and paper helped me a lot in the past with my baby steps. Here is an example from long ago, a piece entitled…
Para kang security blanket: warm.
‘Di ko na susubukan pang itanggi ang ganitong aspeto ng ugnayan natin, pero alam mo naman ‘di ba? Hindi por que maiksi na ang kumot, kailangan mong bumaluktot.
Oo, nangyayari talaga ‘yun. Hindi magtatagal, lalakihan mo na ang kumot at hindi ka na kakasya pa ‘run. Bitin na, ‘di ka na kayang takpan nang buo.
Pwede rin namang masikip na, masyado ka nang maraming kakumpitensya sa kumot. ‘Di lang naman kasi ikaw ang nakikinabang ‘dun!
Pwede rin namang ‘yung kumot mismo, may punit na, kaya pinapasukan na ng malamig na hangin. Dahil pinag-aagawan kaya napunit? Maaari. Pwede rin namang sadyang marupok na, gawa ng matagal na paggamit.
Pwede rin namang OA na ang pagtatalukbong, ikaw na mismo ang nainitan, kaya pinili mong ‘wag na lang magkumot.
Ke papaano man humantong sa gano’n, iisa lang ang ending nyan:
Aalis ka mula sa pagkakabalot mo sa kumot at haharap sa lamig (at lamok) nang nag-iisa. Saka mo maiisip, “Kaya ko naman pala, eh!”
Hindi mo naman pala kailangan ‘yun sa simula pa lang.
May mga bagay na pwede namang wala na lang, pero ayos din lang kung meron. Huwag ka nga lang masanay masyado kasi hindi naman ‘yan mananatili sa’yo habambuhay.
Pwede rin namang may mas nangangailangan ng kumot, kaya hindi natin ito dapat ipagdamot , ‘di ba?
Ibang kumot na lang kaya?
Sa ngayon hindi ko pa uli kailangan.
Pero tanungin mo ulit ako next time.
You know, winter is coming.
[Entry 2, The SubSelfie Blog]
Written last June 2014
Dawnavie Dadis is a Segment Producer for DocuCentral, the special projects arm of ABS-CBN Integrated News and Current Affairs. Doing the laundry is her form of mediation. The shower is her territory for musings. She is a story and a story-teller. She previously worked for GMA News as a Segment Producer for News TV Quick Response Team (QRT) with Jiggy Manicad and as a News Producer for the morning newscasts Unang Hirit and Kape’t Balita. Journalism 2012, UP Diliman. Read more of her articles here.